Talking to sexual partners about your sexual health
"Honesty is the fastest way to prevent yourself from accidentally falling in love with someone who has bad values"
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You and Me and HSV
A safe place to land after a STI diagnosis
You and Me and HSV
A safe place to land after a STI diagnosis
Talking to sexual partners about your sexual health
"Honesty is the fastest way to prevent yourself from accidentally falling in love with someone who has bad values"
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Unknown
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Let's talk about sex!
Depending on the infection you may be legally required to tell your sexual partners, or you may not.
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If you're unsure about whether you need to inform your sexual partners, click here to learn more about your diagnosis
People often fear the unknown
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It's totally normal to be a bit scared about talking to a new sexual partner about sexual health
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If you haven't already, take a look at our learn about your diagnosis page so that you're as informed as you can be before the chat.
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Now that you've got the knowledge, let's tackle the fear.
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We've been socially conditioned to think of sexual health as scary, taboo topic, but it doesn't have to be that way!
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Your own internalised stigma
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Because of the social stigma, many people convince themselves that they shouldn't talk about their sexual health with sexual partner(s). People worry that it's a "turn off".
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It's important to recognise these internal beliefs and learn more about your diagnosis so you can change your own negative opinions about it.
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You are still the same person you were before you were diagnosed. You simply have an extremely common infection.
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The fear of rejection
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One of the most common fears people have when it comes to talking about sexual health is the fear of being rejected.
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However, most people will respect your openness and honesty - they might even surprise you and tell you they've had or have an STI or infection associated with sex too!
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Tips on how to start the convo
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Telling a partner doesn't have to be a big confession or a big deal. It can be a chill, matter-of-fact conversation about how you look after your body.
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Don't try and have the conversation when you are about to have sex.​
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First, take a breath.
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Talking to a partner about your sexual health isn't about warning them of a danger; it’s about giving them the information they need to be a great partner to you. It’s an act of integrity, and most people find it actually brings them closer to the person.
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Telling a partner doesn't have to be a big confession or a big deal. It can be a chill, matter-of-fact conversation about how you can both look after yourselves and your bodies.
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Creating the best vibe:
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Pick a neutral moment. Try to avoid having the conversation right after you've just had sex, or when you are about to have sex.
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Find a comfortable & private spot like while you're on a walk in the park or relaxing on the couch.
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Carve out some uninterrupted time. Make sure neither of you are in a rush or about to go to work.
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Keep your delivery casual. Treating the discussion like you're sharing a simple fact rather than disclosing a dark secret keeps the energy calm.
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What to say?
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Exactly what you say and how you say it is going to depend on your own personal communication style.
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A straightforward and positive conversation is the best approach.
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Ideas for conversation starters​
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I found out two years ago that I have herpes. Luckily, it’s both treatable and manageable. Do you know much about herpes? Asking about herpes in a casual way makes a big difference in how people receive and respond to the information.
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When was your last sexual health checkup? This is another great way to open the conversation up about sexual health.
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Hey, just letting you know I tested positive for chalmydia so you should get checked in case you have it too. I’m happy to answer any questions if you have them!
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Since we’re talking about condoms and testing, I should mention I have HSV-2. It’s basically just a skin thing that pops up every now and then. Are you familiar with it?​
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Nope! You don't have to tell your sexual partners about infections face to face. You can call, text, dm or even send an anonymous text if you'd prefer!
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If you’d prefer to remain anonymous:
Use these trusted Australian tools to send an anonymous alert:
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For everyone:
[Let Them Know] (link to https://letthemknow.org.au/) -
Tailored to gay men and other men who have sex with men:
[The Drama Down Under] (https://www.thedramadownunder.info/let-them-know/)
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If you want to send a text or DM:
Here are some example texts you could send:
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Hey NAME, just a heads-up - you might have been exposed to INFECTION NAME. It’s a good idea to be tested, just to be safe.
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Hey, I need to let you know that I’ve tested positive for INFECTION NAME, and you might have been exposed. I wanted to let you know as soon as I knew so you can also get tested, just to be safe. I’m here if you have any questions or want to talk about it.
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Generally, most people find that talking to their sexual partners about sexual health made their relationship stronger because of the honest, open, communication.
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However, sometimes people might not react the way you'd hoped. Try to be understanding and remember that you took a little time adjusting to the news too.
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Negative reactions can happen for lots of different reasons, but often it's because they have their own fears due to social stigma or misinformation (incorrect information) that they've heard. Sometimes, after a bit more research, people will change their opinion.
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If someone ends things because you have a common health condition, then ask yourself; is this the kind of person you want to continue a relationship with anyway? Life is going to throw much bigger, tougher challenges at you than a common bacteria or virus. It's better to find out early on that they aren't going to be the type of partner who can show up and support you when life gets real.
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As the New Zealand Herpes Foundation says:
"Whether or not this relationship works out, you have enlightened someone with your education and experience, correcting some of the myths about herpes that cause so much harm. You have removed the shroud of silence that makes it so difficult for others to speak. And you have confronted a personal issue in your life with courage and consideration."​
If you can’t find what you need, or you just want to chat it through with a human, please don't hesitate to book a session with me. I can help you chat through everything before you have the chat with your partner(s).
The boring, but important legal stuff
You and Me and HSV offers emotional support, education and general wellbeing guidance concerning sexual health topics. We are not a medical, psychological or psychiatric service and do not provide diagnosis, treatment or prescriptions. Our service is not suitable for emergencies. For medical questions or symptoms, please consult a registered health professional.
If you are in crisis or at risk, call 000 or contact Lifeline on 13 11 14.
You And Me And HSV acknowledges that nothing in these terms limits your rights under the Australian Consumer Law.