Talking to sexual partners about HSV
"Honesty is the fastest way to prevent yourself from accidentally falling in love with someone who has bad values"
Unknown
You and Me and HSV
A safe place to land after a STI diagnosis
You and Me and HSV
A safe place to land after a STI diagnosis
Talking to sexual partners about HSV
"Honesty is the fastest way to prevent yourself from accidentally falling in love with someone who has bad values"
Unkown
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Let's talk about herpes!
Do I have to tell all my sexual partner(s) that I have been diagnosed with herpes?
Legally in Australia? No. According to the current Australian STI guidelines, HSV is not a "notifiable" infection. So you are not required to contact trace (tell past sexual partners). Whether you share your diagnosis with sexual partners is a personal choice based on intimacy and trust.​
Telling past sexual partners (people you have had sex with before, but don’t have an ongoing sexual relationship with) can often cause unnecessary stress for them, as they cannot be accurately tested unless they have active symptoms. That said, every relationship is unique. If you feel it’s important for your own peace of mind or because of the nature of your past relationship, that is your choice. But don't feel medically obligated to "track back.”
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What about current/ongoing sexual partners/someone I'm in a relationship with?
Legally you do not have to share your diagnosis. However, it is encouraged to chat to your current sexual partner(s) about herpes and your general sexual health as it helps build trust and fosters open communication in your relationship. If you've already had sexual contact with a partner, the chances are that they have already been exposed to the virus (they might not know this as they might not have ever had symptoms!). If this is your first episode, it's impossible to know whether you got it from your current partner, or whether you've had it for years but have never had symptoms before. So it's important not to blame anyone for your diagnosis. ​
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What about future sexual partners; one night stands, people I'm dating, or people I'm planning a sexual relationship with?
Legally you do not have to share your diagnosis. However, it is encouraged to chat to your future sexual partner(s) about herpes and your general sexual health as it helps build trust and fosters open communication in your relationship.
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Important distinction between privacy and deception:
While there is no law in Australia forcing you to disclose herpes, the Australian consent laws are very clear: privacy is not the same as deception.
So if a future sexual partner asks you directly about your sexual health status, withholding the truth crosses the line. A partner cannot give true, informed consent if they are being actively misled. Protecting your boundaries is okay; active deception (lying) is not.
People often fear the unknown
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It's totally normal to be a bit scared about talking to a sexual partner about herpes.
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If you haven't already, take a look at our learn about your herpes diagnosis page so that you're as informed as you can be before the chat.
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Now that you've got the knowledge, let's tackle the fear.
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We've been socially conditioned to think of herpes and sexual health as scary, taboo topics, but it doesn't have to be that way!
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Remember, the most common symptoms of HSV are what we know as cold sores. Almost everyone has had one or knows someone who has.
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Because facial herpes is so common, there’s very little judgment, people are constantly talking about having a cold sore and no one bats an eye. So there’s no reason genital HSV should be any different.
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Your own internalised stigma
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Because of the social stigma, many people convince themselves that no one will want to have sex with them/date them because they have herpes.
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It's important to recognise these internal beliefs and learn more about HSV so you can change your own negative opinions about herpes.
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You are still the same person you were before you were diagnosed with herpes. You simply have an extremely common viral infection.
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The fear of rejection
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One of the most common fears people have when it comes to genital herpes is the fear of being rejected.
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However, most people will respect your openness and honesty - they might even surprise you and tell you they've got HSV too! (Remember, around 80% of us have some form of HSV).
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First, take a breath.
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Telling a partner you have herpes isn't about warning them of a danger; it’s about giving them the information they need to be a great partner to you. It’s an act of integrity, and most people find it actually brings them closer to the person they are dating.
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Telling a partner doesn't have to be a big confession or a big deal. It can be a chill, matter-of-fact conversation about how you look after your body.
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Creating the best vibe:
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Pick a neutral moment. Try to avoid having the conversation right after you've just had sex, or when you are about to have sex.
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Find a comfortable & private spot like while you're on a walk in the park or relaxing on the couch.
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Carve out some uninterrupted time. Make sure neither of you are in a rush or about to go to work.
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Keep your delivery casual. Treating the discussion like you're sharing a simple fact rather than disclosing a dark secret keeps the energy calm.
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What to say?
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Exactly what you say and how you say it is going to depend on your own personal communication style.
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A straightforward and positive conversation about herpes issues is the best approach.
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Ideas for conversation starters
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"Have you ever had a coldsore before?"
This is a nice, easy way to open up the convo, as most people will either respond that they have (in which case, they already have HSV!) or that they haven't but know someone who has. This then flows easily into letting them know that you also have HSV, but that you get it on the genitals.
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"I found out recently that I have herpes. Luckily, it’s both treatable and manageable. Do you know much about herpes?"
Asking about herpes in a casual way can make a big difference in how people receive and respond to the information.
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"When was your last sexual health checkup?"
This is another great way to open the conversation up about sexual health.
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"Hey, before we go any further, I wanted to let you know that I carry the virus that causes cold sores, but I get them o the genitals. It’s super common and I manage it [with daily meds/by watching for triggers], so the risk of passing it on is really low. I’m happy to answer any questions if you have them!"
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"Since we’re talking about condoms and testing, I should mention I have HSV-2. It’s basically just a skin thing that pops up every now and then. Are you familiar with it?"​
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Most people find that telling partners about herpes was no big deal, and people often tell me it made their relationship stronger because of the honest, open, communication.
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However, sometimes people might not react the way you'd hoped. Try to be understanding and remember that you took a little time adjusting to the news too.
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Negative reactions can happen for lots of different reasons, but often it's because they have their own fears about herpes due to social stigma or misinformation (incorrect information) that they've heard. Sometimes, after a bit more research, people will change their opinion about herpes.
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If someone ends things because you have herpes (which, let's remember, is one of the most common skin conditions worldwide), then ask yourself; is this the kind of person you want to continue a relationship with anyway? Life is going to throw much bigger, tougher challenges at you than a common virus. It's better to find out early on that they aren't going to be the type of partner who can show up and support you when life gets real.
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As the New Zealand Herpes Foundation says:
"Whether or not this relationship works out, you have enlightened someone with your education and experience, correcting some of the myths about herpes that cause so much harm. You have removed the shroud of silence that makes it so difficult for others to speak. And you have confronted a personal issue in your life with courage and consideration."​
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New Zealand Herpes Foundation have an absolutely incredible website dedicated to herpes. They also have one of the best ad campaigns aimed at breaking down herpes stigma which you can find here.
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SHINE, SA also have a great page dedicated to herpes here.
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The boring, but important legal stuff
You and Me and HSV offers emotional support, education and general wellbeing guidance concerning sexual health topics. We are not a medical, psychological or psychiatric service and do not provide diagnosis, treatment or prescriptions. Our service is not suitable for emergencies. For medical questions or symptoms, please consult a registered health professional.
If you are in crisis or at risk, call 000 or contact Lifeline on 13 11 14.
You And Me And HSV acknowledges that nothing in these terms limits your rights under the Australian Consumer Law.